We Have To Preserve Substack’s Kind, Inclusive Culture; So Get the F*** Outta Here, Celebrities
And don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!
It has come to my attention that yet another famous person has recently joined Substack, and I, for one, will not stand for it. Substack is supposed to be a welcoming community for people to discover thought-provoking work and build an audience. If you’re a celebrity, an author, or a celebrity author, you need to get the fuck up outta here right now.
It’s so frustrating whenever a famous actor, world-renowned journalist, or towering literary figure barges onto Substack, and, without even bothering to get to know everyone or learn our platform’s culture, posts a Note like, “Hi, Substack! So excited to be here and get to know everyone!”
It’s like, really? You’re just going to come here and politely introduce yourself? Without first spending a couple years lurking quietly to get a better sense of what people post to Notes?
Don’t these superstars know that Notes is for posting inspirational quotes, writing advice, and idyllic pictures of the English countryside? How dare they show up here and immediately start earnestly trying to connect with others.
All of these well-known personalities coming onto Substack is going to make this place just like any other social media platform. I already deleted all of my social media so I could spend 14 hours a day on Notes instead. The last thing we need is for Substack to feel like Twitter or Instagram, where people feel emboldened to say nasty, hateful things to people they’ve never met.
That’s why I’ve got two words for all you celebrities out there: 1) Fuck. 2) You.
And the next time I see one of you join Substack, I’m going to find out where you live and bash your stupid, pig-faced head in. Maybe that’ll make the next celebrity think twice before they come and try to ruin the kind, inclusive culture we’ve worked so hard to build here.
The promise of Substack was that it was a place where a relative unknown like myself could gradually build an audience while connecting with fellow thinkers. Now it’s being slowly ruined every time some hot shot who already has their own audience brings those tens of thousands of eager readers over to Substack. Great. Now I have to compete for my subscribers’ attention with yet another well-respected luminary. Besides, what good could their audience possibly do me? Become thousands of potential new fans? Yeah, right.
The only way we non-famous, independent voices are ever going to grow our followings is by working diligently to keep Substack exactly the way it is and not a smidge bigger. That starts with relentlessly harassing every new relatively well-known person that tries to join. That’s the only way we’ll ensure this remains a pleasant corner of the internet.
So, with that in mind, all you famous fucks can just fuck right off.
Disclaimer
In case you couldn’t already tell, this was satire. If you know me, then you know that if I see a hornet’s nest, imma kick it. And this was no exception. There’s been persistent grumbling on Substack about famous people joining, and it’s time to nip that in the bud. Especially when there’s other, more valid issues with Substack to focus on.
I’ll be the first to admit, I get a little pang of jealousy every time a famous person joins Substack and racks up tens of thousands of subscribers in, like, three days. And those “rising” charts don’t help. But give me a break — bullying someone off of Substack is bad behavior.
Unless they’re, like, a notorious bigot or something. But that’s a topic for a whole other post.
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👏🏻👏🏻 Spending at least 14 hours a day on Notes is always the right answer, and there should have obviously been a space on the Bingo board for "everyone irate famous person joined Substack."
As I get older, there are more and more "celebrities" who I couldn't identify to save my life, but talent is always recognizable. Thank you for another satirical gem.