This Newsletter is Now Sponsored by Raytheon

I, for one, welcome my new military-industrial complex overlords

Apr 01, 2024

It’s not every day that manna falls from the heavens. But that’s exactly what happened to me recently.

If you read last week’s post, you know I turned on paid subscriptions (who am I to deny people the opportunity to give me money?). Unfortunately, even with the generous support of the folks who upgraded to paid, my dream of a financially self-sustaining newsletter remained out of reach.

That is, until this email miraculously dropped into my inbox:

Needless to say, I jumped at the opportunity. Which is why I’m thrilled to announce that this newsletter is now sponsored by Raytheon Technologies Corporation!

The beginning of a long and beautiful friendship

You might be wondering, why would a major U.S. defense contractor want to advertise their products in a weekly humor newsletter written by an electrical engineer turned degenerate? Well, I don’t know, and, frankly, I don’t care. I can only assume they’ve read my work and decided that my frequent character assassinations and killer one-liners align with their brand. But I’m not about to question how the war sausage gets made.

You might also be wondering whether being financially supported by the military-industrial complex would compromise the integrity of this newsletter. And, honestly, how the fuck dare you. I cannot be bought. My values and beliefs aren’t suddenly going to change just because a weapons manufacturer is paying me a couple thousand dollars a month. I have always been an ardent supporter of the Second Amendment, of the need for a strong national defense, and of the strategic partnerships with America's allies abroad, who rely on high-quality, cutting edge military technology to maintain the upper hand in today’s modern battlefield.

The only thing about the newsletter that is going to change is that emails will now be ad-light. But rest assured, the only purpose of the ads is to offer the chance to learn about Raytheon’s exciting new product lines — products I’m sure readers of this newsletter would have wanted to learn about anyway.

You will still receive the same weekly dose of social satire and irreverent humor. And the subject matter will only change to the extent that any artist’s sensibilities evolve as they are exposed to different things. For example, here is one of two short humor pieces I wanted to share this week. I think you’ll find it’s very much in line with my usual fare:

Patriot Missile Defense System or Your Coupon-Clipping Mom?

Manages to derive incredible value within a certain budget.
Seems to have eyes in the back of (her/its) head.
You don’t want to be on (her/its) bad side.
Will never let anything bad happen to her/its babies/soldiers.
Can pull off any color, whether it’s Forest Green, Aquamarine, or Desert Sand
Knows the best ways to stop misbehavior
Loves a Target
Valued element of a PTA (Parent Teacher Association / Perimeter Threat Assessment)
Not afraid to shoot down your (enemy missiles / pleas to go to McDonald’s — there’s plenty of food at home)
Saves a ton of (money/lives)

See? Regular, good old fashioned topical humor, the kind you’ve come to expect from me.

And here’s the second short piece of the week, which I think you’ll also find to be consistent with my typical sense of humor.

Should America Invade Your Country?: A Decision Tree

Hope you’ve enjoyed this week’s post, and don’t forget to take advantage of that BOGO sale. Ya boi gets a 10% commission on all click-through conversions!

Comments

What country should the U.S. invade next?

Happy April 1st!

Actual Comments

Favorite April Fool’s pranks? I’m partial to this one.

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