Math Concepts the State of Florida Finds Objectionable

Calculus: We stand firmly against any field of mathematics that requires integration.

This piece was originally published in McSweeney's. It’s the first of two pieces originally published there that I’ll be sharing over the next two weeks while I’m traveling. The pieces may not be new, but (hopefully) they’re either new to you or fun to re-read!

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“The Florida Department of Education announced Friday that the state has rejected more than 50 math textbooks from next school year’s curriculum, citing references to critical race theory among reasons for the rejections.” – CNN, 4/17/22

Here in the great state of Florida, we are committed to protecting our children from any and all forms of indoctrination, and math is no exception. These are the mathematical concepts we find objectionable based on the dangers they pose to children:

Calculus: We stand firmly against any field of mathematics that requires integration.

Multiplication: We believe only certain numbers should be allowed to multiply with one another.

Polygons: We reject the notion that anything can have more than one side.

Order of Operations: The mnemonic Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally is reverse racism. Nobody should have to apologize just because their relative was in the United Daughters of the Confederacy.

The Number Zero: All numbers are either positive or negative. That’s just basic math.

Subtraction: It’s wrong to subtract a fractional number from another number before it has become whole.

Set Theory: We oppose any concept that recognizes the “simple majority” or “plurality” of a group.

Equal Signs: We believe in equality, obviously. Just not the way they’re doing it.

Prime Numbers: The only prime number the State of Florida recognizes is 17—the age at which a woman is in her prime.

Functions: We’re against anything that requires getting input first before it can be executed.

Gradients: We believe all slopes are slippery.

Square Roots: No mathematical concept that encourages using radical symbols should ever be taught in schools.

Mathematical Proofs: We don’t think any assertion requires “proof.”

Limits of Exponential Functions: Powers should not have any limits.

Non-Binary Operations, the Transitive Property, Cis(x), and Homogeneous Spaces: You’re not allowed to say any of these words in Florida.

Division: This one is OK with us.

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As a bonus, you can also read an interview I did about the piece here.

Comments

Any banned math concepts I missed?

What else is banned in Florida?

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