I Got Fired From the Perfect Job

And screw you, Albert Einstein!

When I saw the Zoom meeting invitation, I knew my ass was about to get fired. There’s something about that “your ass is about to get fired” meeting invite that just screams “your ass is about to get fired.” Maybe it’s because companies are so cagey about what to call that meeting. They call it something cryptic like “Manager One-on-One” or “HR Conversation” or, simply, “Meeting.” As if they’re worried that by calling the meetings “Employment Termination,” you’ll know to skip them. Because you can’t get fired if you never go to the firing meeting. Everyone knows that.

If they really wanted to trick you into attending, though, they’d call the meetings something like “Mike’s Birthday Party Planning,” or “Office Snacks Roundtable” or “We scheduled this meeting just to tell you what a great job you’re doing! You rock!” 

Instead, you get invited to a meeting called “Meeting” and think to yourself, “Why does my boss’s boss’s boss, who I’ve never spoken to, suddenly want to meet with me at 9:00 AM on a Monday?”

Ohhhhhh, my ass is about to get fired.

The Perfect Job

It was almost exactly a year prior that I’d started at what, on paper, was the perfect job. A Big Media Company^TM hired me part-time to write content for one of their social media channels. I’d get paid to spend 20 hours a week watching movies and television and writing jokes — stuff I was already doing for free. And if you know my work, you know that movies are kinda my thing. The job was a chance to sharpen my writing skills AND cover the rent AND have enough free time to tackle the many passion projects, like my book, that I didn’t have time to pursue working full-time as an engineer. In other words, it was the job that would finally make writing a real career instead of just a fun hobby that I got to occasionally brag about on Twitter.

The Rub^TM

Because I was writing for Big Media Company^TM, there were certain topics that were off limits. We couldn’t touch politics (duh), couldn’t make fun of celebrities (and thus damage a current or future relationship with Big Media Company^TM), couldn’t make fun of the movies and shows on Big Media Company^TM’s platform (of course), couldn’t make fun of other brands, and couldn’t make fun of Big Media Company^TM itself. Picture the Wendy’s Twitter account, but without any of the things that make the Wendy’s Twitter account the Wendy’s Twitter account.

This tweet would SO not fly over at Big Media Company^TM

That’s not to say the task was impossible. The channel offered plenty of possibilities to write jokes about pop culture touchstones, everyday lived experiences, cultural traditions, character tropes, and so on. It just so happened that none of those are things I’m particularly suited to writing about. I have always gravitated towards satire. I loooove making fun of shit. My writing diet consists of 90% biting the hand that feeds, 10% autocannibalism (making fun of myself).

So, while the other writers on the team (who aren’t #sickos like me) were able to work within the content guidelines, I struggled. To get 20 hours worth of work done would take me an extra 10-20 hours worth of banging my head against a wall (which then ate into the time I wanted to spend on passion projects). And doing the kinds of things that would’ve made me better at the job, like keeping up with the latest TikTok challenges and pop culture trends, felt like pulling teeth. So, I didn’t do enough of that, either (I’m a sicko, not a masochist). Thus, a year into the job, I was fired.

Writing social posts for Big Media Company^TM felt like trying to hammer nails with a screwdriver (or drive screws with a hammer?). Which made me dread the work, which then made me feel ungrateful, which then made me feel extra shitty about myself. Because it was, after all, the perfect job. And if I couldn’t do this writing job, I thought to myself, would I be able to do any of my other dream writing jobs, like working on a late night show or a sitcom? 

Screw you, Albert Einstein!

Albert Einstein once said¹ that if a fish (satirist) was judged by its ability to climb a tree (write non-satirical humor for a multinational entertainment corporation), it would spend its entire life believing it was stupid (bad at writing). That’s a lovely quote, but it ignores the fact that: 

A) Sometimes fish HAVE NO CHOICE but to try to climb trees because it pays WAY BETTER than swimming. DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, ALBERT? HUH? DID YOU? 

And

B) You, Albert Einstein, are UNIVERSALLY KNOWN FOR THE THING YOU’RE A GENIUS AT. It’s not like anybody thinks “Albert Einstein? Boy, what a dogshit basketball player.” So, maybe, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, OKAY, ALBERT!?!?

Albert Einstein, dogshit basketball player

Silver Linings

I was talking to my dad a while ago about the improv classes I was taking (yeah, I do improv and I love it, shut up) and I told him part of the reason I was taking the classes was to get more comfortable pitching jokes off the cuff in a writer’s room — something that, as a quietboy^®, I am dreadful at. 

“You always tend to focus on improving your weaknesses,” he said. 

And it’s true. I’ve spent the last two years trying to get better at writing evergreen, observational humor in large part because my experience at Big Media Company^TM showed me it was a weak spot in my writing.

But what if trying to fix our weaknesses is the wrong approach? What if we’re better off doubling down on our strengths? On being a Jack of one trade, master of one, instead of a Jack of all trades, master of none?

To date, the pieces I’ve written that have resonated the most with readers have all been satirical, including my two most-read newsletter pieces. Satire is what I enjoy writing most, and the effort I’ve put into getting better at it comes through in the writing.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that getting fired from Big Media Company^TM was actually the best thing that could have happened for my writing. It gave me the opportunity to finally finish my book, and searching for a new job led to a teaching role that I’m both much better suited to and is far more compatible with my writing goals. Had I not been fired, I might’ve spent years trying to get better at something I was neither especially good at nor interested in getting good at, and been miserable in the process.

That is all to say that, if you’re stuck in a job that doesn’t play to your strengths, don’t be afraid to look elsewhere. Odds are you’ll enjoy the work more and perform better. Otherwise, you might just find yourself getting invited to a meeting called “Meeting.”

Which is when you’ll know, your ass is about to get fired.

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The tiniest paid launch in the history of paid launches

I mostly write this newsletter because A) it’s fun and cathartic as hell, of course. But also B) as a way to get my work directly to the people who want to read it, rather than relying on them reading an article I wrote somewhere, then clicking on my name, then reading my bio, then clicking the link to my Twitter, then following me on Twitter, and then, by some miracle, actually seeing my tweets. 

As much as I shit on Substack (and will probably continue to do so re: making fun of shit, biting hands that feed, etc.), it's not the worst way to get my work to people. And some of those people have even expressed interest in supporting this newsletter financially, which means the world to me.

To that end, I’m turning on paid subscriptions, so that those who would like to support my work monetarily are able to do so. Everything on here will remain accessible to everyone and I have no plans to paywall any posts. But supporting because you like the work and want to see more of it is greatly appreciated! Since this is all voluntary, I’d like to offer paid subscriptions at whatever level you’re comfortable with — I’m all for giving people options:

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Comments

Have you ever been fired from a job? Did you also get a “your ass is about to get fired” meeting invite? If so, what was the meeting called?

Any jobs that seemed like dream jobs actually turn out to be terrible? Or jobs you thought would suck that turned out great?

Have you ever quit a job or been fired and it turned out for the better? For the worse?

Lemme know!

1. In the process of doing research for this piece, I discovered that Einstein never actually said this. Which, honestly, is a relief, because Albert Einstein seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I’m glad to hear this trite-ass quote isn’t his. I didn’t bother changing my piece, though, because I’d already written that section about Einstein and I was too lazy to come up with anything else. Plus, Miami Heat Death is a solidly B- basketball-physics pun.