A Couple Satirical Bangers For Your Inbox
My takes on this week's news
I went on a bit of a satirical bender this week and wrote not one but TWO pieces for
.I’m trying to get better about sharing my work, so I thought I’d pass along these pieces for your weekend reading pleasure.
Here’s the first one — a piece that will, sadly, be evergreen for the foreseeable future:
New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for “The President Violated the Constitution”
Excerpt:
“The president remained steadfast in his novel interpretation of constitutional law.”
“Faced with the choice between clinging to the letter of the law and marching to the beat of his own legal drum, the president chose the latter.”
“The president’s solutions-focused approach to legal roadblocks necessitated thinking outside the constitutional box.”
“Perhaps unaware that he had sailed beyond the Constitution’s horizons, the president found himself drifting further and further from legal terra firma.”
And here’s the second one (I think you can probably guess what this one is about, but if you need a hint, it’s about two billionaires who were feuding this week):
I, Saruman, Have Ended My Alliance With The Dark Lord Sauron
Excerpt:
After the Last Alliance defeated Sauron and his malevolent shadow retreated to the wastelands of Mordor, everyone thought he was done. They thought that surely he would live out the remainder of the Third Age in shame for his attempts to overthrow the races of Middle-earth through the forging of the rings. But after Isildur slow-walked the destruction of the One Ring, and Sauron was allowed to roam free, it was only a matter of time before he rose to conquer again.
In that moment, I had an important choice to make: Would I throw my support behind a feeble alliance of elves, men, dwarves, and hobbits? Or use my influence as the most powerful wizard to gain Sauron’s favor and help him rule over Middle-earth the right way? The choice was obvious. Elitist enclaves like Rivendell had become obsessed with all the wrong priorities, like putting a hobbit in charge of taking the Ring to Mordor when that’s clearly a job for a man.
But don’t get me wrong, I was never a Sauron fan. Did I facilitate Sauron’s rise to power by donating most of Isengard’s resources to his reconquest campaign and persuading my legions of Uruk-hai followers to support him? Sure. And did I know that Sauron was a corrupted Maiar with an Eru complex and an unquenchable thirst for power? Of course.
Enjoy!
A Note About Notes
Have you noticed lately that Substack Notes seems to be filled with a bunch of faux-inspirational posts that feel like they were written by the world’s least imaginative AI?
I have. And as a satirist, I can’t help but make fun of stupid stuff whenever I see it. So I’ve been writing Notes that, at first glance, seem like AI schlock, but if you read on, you’ll see they each take a bit of a turn:
A Look Ahead
I’ll be back in your inbox with more of my usual writing in the next few weeks. And paid subs, you can expect an email in the next week or so with the link to my short film, Un Clavo Saca Otro Clavo, as promised. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read my most recent post:
Questions
What other New York Times style guide substitutions did I miss?
Did you get that the thumbnail image for this post is a plate of bangers and mash because I’m sharing satirical bangers? Or was that a bridge too far?
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Dear god this line made me guffaw: “Perhaps unaware that he had sailed beyond the Constitution’s horizons.” Made me think of Trump on an old timey sailboat, Christopher Columbus style. Truth be told they probably have a similar grasp on geography as well as similar chances of getting scurvy.
I wonder how many people get halfway through the inspirational note and feel duped by the twist. And also how many people read the first line and skip the rest, without realizing what they’re missing.