We Finally Found The Perfect Neighborhood To Buy A House

It's a very tight-knit community

Image by Kimberly McNeilus via Pexels

When my wife and I were looking to buy our first house, we ran into the same difficulties that many first-time home buyers face. It was tough to find a house in a safe neighborhood with good schools in a city that had a lot of job opportunities, but was also affordable. Just when we thought we’d never find a house, we stumbled across a place in the perfect community that had all of the amenities we were looking for. That’s how we ended up in The Citadel.

The Citadel is located deep in the rainforest of Costa Rica in an area we think could be very up-and-coming in the next couple of years. And it has everything young families are looking for in a neighborhood.

For starters, it’s affordable. All of the homes in The Citadel are free. Each family is assigned a palapa with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a small but perfectly functional kitchen with a wood stove. We did have to give up on finding a place with a fourth bedroom that could double as both a home office and guest room. But that was okay because we had to quit our jobs in order to move to The Citadel and guests aren’t allowed anyway. So it was a perfectly reasonable compromise given the price point.

Another great thing about The Citadel is that it’s walkable. Nothing within the high walls of The Citadel is more than a twenty minute walk, including The Sacred Temple, which is the main community event space / mess hall / house of worship. While we would have preferred to have a few more bars and restaurants in the neighborhood, we’re actually quite happy with the food scene since families take turns cooking meals for the rest of the village and there’s a surprising amount of variety.    

That’s another remarkable thing about The Citadel. While most American cities are deeply segregated, The Citadel is made up of families from virtually every ethnicity and nationality you can imagine. That’s because The Citadel’s founder, The Reverend, believes strongly in the principle that diversity is our strength. So he made sure all of the 16 human tribes of Gorgoron are represented here. Plus, when The Knowing Ones come and rid the world of the impure, we need to be able to repopulate the world with as healthy a gene pool as possible.

And speaking of the next generation, another amazing thing about The Citadel is the quality of the schools. While America treats education like a zero-sum game where only the wealthy get access to the best education, here at The Citadel every kid goes to the same school. Each student gets a rigorous education that covers all of the major subjects: reading, writing, alchemy, telekinesis, phrenology, clairvoyance, and even math. Although the Upper School doesn’t have an AP program, that’s okay since The Cleanse is most likely coming in a couple months so getting our kids into the right college isn’t going to be an issue.

But it isn’t just the education that makes The Citadel a great place to raise kids. Childcare here is also completely free. That’s because all of the adults in The Citadel are the husbands and wives of The Reverend in the eyes of the gods, so it is therefore our obligation to look after each and every child in The Citadel as if they’re our own. That means it’s always easy to find a babysitter for the evening if my wife and I want some alone time to make love. Well, not completely alone, obviously, since The Reverend must participate in all love making, otherwise it’s adultery.

That’s not to say that The Citadel doesn’t have its drawbacks. I do wish there was a little more religious diversity. I’m always someone who has embraced people from all faiths, whether they’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Children of the Temple of the Second Zion. But I guess it’s better not to make friends with too many non-believers since The Knowing Ones are coming shortly to bathe the Earth in a lake of holy fire. Also, the property taxes at The Citadel are a bit high at one hundred percent given that all of our earthly possessions are owned by The Reverend.

But, all things considered, The Citadel is a great place for young homeowners and new parents. And who knows, if we win enough favor with The Reverend, we may even upgrade to a slightly bigger palapa closer to The Sacred Temple. Unless The Cleanse comes, of course, in which case all the cool neighborhoods in The States will finally be affordable again.