BREAKING: Scientists Have Officially Discovered An Alternate Reality

First contact has been established with 'The Boomiverse'

Image by jw210913 via Pixabay

We interrupt your regularly scheduled TikTok scroll with breaking news: for the first time, scientists have found conclusive evidence of a parallel universe. They’re calling this new-found dimension “The Boomiverse.”

The Boomiverse is, in many ways, completely unrecognizable to our own reality. Homes there are affordable, healthcare is paid for by the government, and most people, rather than working until the day they drop dead (as those in our world expect to) are instead able to live comfortably off of something called “retirement savings.”

There are some similarities. The Boomiverse has television, though it lacks many of the popular shows of our universe, such as “Euphoria,” or “Heartstopper.” The most popular television show in the Boomiverse is called “Yellowstone,” and every single person in the Boomiverse is obsessed with it. The show stars an actor who only exists in their world named Kevin Costner, who plays a cattle rancher near Yellowstone National Park. Except in their universe, Yellowstone National Park isn’t an Instagram backdrop, but instead, is primarily used for parking RVs.

There is no MCU in the Boomiverse. There is, however, an HDTU, or “Happy Days Telematic Universe,” which has its own set of protagonists who go by names like “Laverne,” “Shirley,” “Mork,” “Mindy,” and “The Fonz.”

Reality television exists in the Boomiverse, but instead of following the messy lives of a luxury yacht crew, or the staff of a Lisa Vanderpump-owned restaurant, reality shows in the Boomiverse tend to follow simpler premises. For example, a singer sings a song while wearing a mask, and the goal is to try to guess who the singer is.

Technology is vastly different in the Boomiverse. Television is delivered via thousands of mini, ad-supported streaming services called “channels,” which are bundled together for a flat monthly fee by a company called Time Warner. 

Phones do exist, but include unfamiliar features, such as an audio-only version of FaceTime known as “calling” and the ability to leave audio messages known as “voicemails.”

Information is also displayed quite differently. The smallest font size in the Boomiverse is what we would call “48 pt.” and the sizes only go up from there. In addition, emails have to be sent in colored text, and must use a different color for each paragraph.

While the Boomiverse does share many of the same well-known people, they’ve often lived entirely different lives. For example, in our world, Al Franken is a former senator from Minnesota. But in the Boomiverse, he was a performer on a show called “Saturday Night Live.” 

We do share all of the same presidents of the United States, though. The main difference being that, in the Boomiverse, the presidents we consider good are considered bad, and the presidents we consider bad are considered good. The only exception in Bill Clinton, who is generally disliked in both universes, but for very different reasons.

Further complicating things, many of the common phrases we use have different meanings in the Boomiverse. There, no cap refers exclusively to one’s stance on the SALT tax deduction, bussin’ refers exclusively to the present participle verb for clearing tables at a restaurant, and post-Malone refers exclusively to an era of the Utah Jazz basketball team starting from 2003 onward.

Though difficult to cross from one realm to another, scientists believe there may be several ways to catch glimpses of the Boomiverse, either by using a device called an “antenna” that picks up signals from the parallel universe called “UHF broadcast,” or by eating at a restaurant that has more than one location.

If you’re curious what the Boomiverse is like, scientists theorize that we will all eventually cross over to our own version of the Boomiverse in 25-30 years, where we’ll be making TikTok dance tutorials for the Jubi Slide, only to look around and realize we don’t see anyone on the app under the age of 40. At that point we’ll all get up, audibly grunt, and complain that our children haven’t Snapchatted us in forever.